Free Bird

The kids are gone and though it has only been two days, I have taken to walking around the house only clad in tank tops and my large granny panties. I find it extremely liberating, but those unfortunate enough to park at the next door deli might not feel the same way. I make a great effort to stay out of the window view but I think a group of landscapers might have got the full effect of my polka-dotted drawers. Since those particular panties are bigger than my swim suit, I didn't worry about it too much. I got a few confused stares from K also, but I am not sure if it was for the walking around in underwear, or the fact that the said underwear were granny panties. He is not a fan of the granny panties.

It feels odd; all my responsibility has been transferred to someone else. I feel slightly confused, but in a really good way. Yesterday, I went a late night movie, ate cereal for dinner and slept so late that I barely made my train this morning. I was kid-less so long ago that it is hard to resurrect the giddy feeling of no accountability, but I am giving it my best effort. Laters.

I'm A Gooby Goober, Yeah!

Is it weird that I wake up every Saturday think to myself, "Oh, its Saturday. Maybe we can go to Crumbs?"
Is it weird that I hate bananas but love banana bread, banana snow-cones, and banana Laffy Taffy?
Is it weird that I admitted to eating Laffy Taffy at my ripe old age?
Is it weird that all my diet restrictions disappear when I hold a fresh, unopened bag of Lay's in my hot little hands?
Is it weird that I am secretly proud that most of my furniture came from yard sales?
Is it weird that I am repulsed by public nose pickers and crotch scratchers?
Is it weird that I would rather let flies out the window than smack them?
Is it weird that I think I am all that and a bag of chips?
Is it weird that I immediately delete all emails instructing me to "forward this to ten people" if I love God?
Is it weird to want your mommy, even as an adult?
Is it weird that I consider walking up my stairs part of my exercise routine?

Laters.

Now Boarding All Passengers Except Psycho Mom

My kids leave tomorrow on their first solo flight. That means solo. As in A-L-O-N-E. As in without me or K.

That means if I let them go…………….

My current plan of action is to say a stranger packed our bags and they were left unsecured, cause a huge scene, pass out, and get us all kicked out of the airport thus keeping my little piggies home safe and sound with me. I have made a few discreet requests for Valium and Xanax, but so far no one is forthcoming with any. It is an almost six hour trip and my mind has run rampant with all the potential trouble. I have shared my number one flying rule with the kids though which is, "never flush the toilet on an airplane while you are sitting down on it." I once heard of someone getting their intestines sucked out through some kind of freak accident airplane flushing incident. I received some very odd looks from the boys, but Sher seemed to take me serious so I have at least one convert. To make it all worse, the airlines they are flying has no in-flight TV. That is all I will say about that- except come into the current century Northwest/Delta. Kids need TV when they fly. What are they supposed to do for 6 hours without video games or Disney channel?

Letting your kids grow up is so hard. I am so bad at it and I can only feel that it will slide downhill even faster when they bring home girls/boys and start driving. Please say a prayer for my sanity tomorrow. Laters.

By Living Large, I Mean The Size Of My Pants

Sorry for deserting you last night, but I had some things to do. Like a cruise around Greenwich harbor in a yacht, with a wide open bar. (not that I drank anything mom)

We had great friends along and I ate and ate from the hot, passed hors d'oeuvres and then was my full tummy in for a surprise when there was a dinner course as well; a create your own pasta bar.

As 6 coconut shrimp, mini egg rolls, and numerous other fattening things were already down the hatch, I decided to splurge on the Alfredo sauce. The chef was excited and said I was the only one who had tried it. I informed him that I liked to live large, and to load me up with the sauce and I even threw some extra parmesan cheese on top. It was delish and I made the chef happy, so I did a good thing.

We sat on an overstuffed leather couch and chatted the night away and I tried to reign in my tendency to over-share after (not) having a few drinks.

It is nice sometimes to pretend that all you do is eat hot, passed hors d'oeuvres and cruise around on a yacht. I enjoyed my evening out. Laters.

Thanks I Guess……

Be thankful in all things. So, I am literally looking for the rainbow in the storm clouds. My, has it ever rained this month.

I have found that it is easy to be thankful for rain and cool summer weather when it keeps my electricity bill low. It is easy to thankful when rain falls softly against the roof as I fall asleep; car tires swishing by. It is something to consider when I read the news caption, "South bakes in abnormally high temperatures." I am wearing a sweater as I read it and I find it hard to imagine the boiling sun ever piercing through the perpetual grey sky. I have the luxury of flowers without the hassle of lugging a water hose or can around the yard. So I am thankful. We are easily comfortable with window fans at night and I usually am only warm in the after-shower rush to get ready when I am forced to use my hairdryer.

I suppose there is something to be said for rain. So I am thankful. But I am afraid my thanks might be running out. Laters.

Thoughts on Fathers

A Happy Father's Day to all the good dads I know.

To my dad; for never treating me like a girl except in baseball. He thought I could do whatever I wanted and he made me believe it too, plus he still calls to check on me and makes sure I am home on time.
To my father-in-law for showing me a thing or two about devotion. I like his sense of order. I still owe him a race around the block.
To my brother who parents his girls with the zest of a true adventurer. What fun they have had on his hikes and picnics. What memories they will share.
To my hubby who is a sucker to the pleading eyes of a six year old for trips to the park. He makes extra trips to school, and never says, "be more responsible" when backpacks are left at home. He is a dad in action, taking a vital role in the everyday of our kids lives. He always sees the positive and reminds me to do the same. He has planted three trees and he is committed to see the saplings grow to oaks. He is a wonderful father.
I am lucky to know some pretty great guys. Laters.

Freudian Sher

I think that it is nice to be psychoanalyzed by your six year old daughter. Who else will draw an accurate picture of your strongest character traits and show them to you in the spirit of love?
As you can see K says "I am a expeot" which translated means, "I am an expert."
I concur that this is a well thought out diagnoses for K's positive attitude.
I receive a short shrift. All the sum and parts of me are described in this one sentence, "Kevin, I need my cup of coffee."
Laters.

Yo (Grand)mamma

I hate the fact that I have what I like to call, "Grandma Vera" thighs. My grandmother was not a petite woman and was very fond of the all–in-one girdle from Sears. The all-in-one girdle is designed to compress you from boobs to thigh, reminiscent of a sausage being stuffed into its casing. Fond childhood memories float around in my head of her routine to put the girdle on; a collection of bizarre jumps and full body twists.

Not only was she blessed in the thigh department, but in the bust and rump as well. She was also fond of pleated skirts which are another story, but suffice it to say pleated skirts are not often flattering to the zaftig figure.

My mother's mom was genetically blessed with a perfect pot belly.

I have fortunately inherited all the above, belly, boobs, butt and thighs. Which I figure is a strictly unfair genetic coding.

Skinny jeans are a nightmare, so are cute spaghetti strapped summer tops, and slinky fabric that clings perfectly to the belly I want to hide.

On the positive side, I am strong and healthy. My thighs carry me gladly to all the places I need to go, my belly is full at night, my butt has good padding for the bleacher seats, and I experience no difficulty filling out the tops of formals and swimsuits.

Just to see how I look, I am thinking about investing in pleated skirts and possibly a sturdy girdle. Laters.

 

Oh What A Night

Shakespeare on the Sound was perfect. A wonderful rendition of "A Mid Summer Night's Dream." I am kinda grossed out though because we ate a barbecue chicken picnic at the park, which the kids were wearing on clothes and faces the rest of the night.
Add some ice cream and flip-flops to the mix and you have the perfect storm of dirty feet and dirty faces. Then of course, they all fell asleep in the car since it was so late (Shakespeare is so long winded) and now they are all in bed, on the clean sheets, dirty-footed and dirty-faced.

I am such a bad mother. Laters.

Go Spot Go!

See Jacinta, she is big. She can kayak. She can paddle and not fall in.

See Sher. She is at the beach. Sher found a sea shell. Sher is a pretty girl. She is wearing green.

See Jacinta. She is laughing. She did not fall in. She can paddle. She is happy. See Richard? He wishes Jacinta were not in his boat. He is nice though. He tells her she paddles good. Richard is nice.

See Ry and Reag. They can swim. They can walk across the sandbar. They are good boys.

See Jacinta and Sher. Safe on the dock. They had fun. Water is fun. So is lunch. Lunch and water are fun.

When Life Gives You Lemons……………

I am squeezing the dang lemons, but so far not a drop of lemonade.

I am reminded of the chapter in The Hobbit, On the Doorstep, when the dwarves restlessly search for the hidden entrance into the mountain, one that was hidden until Bilbo remembers the riddle at just the right moment when the thrush knocks.

I feel as if I am on the doorstep, but my moon runes are nowhere to be seen on the map and the thrush is not knocking. I would love to have an imposing wizard on my side right now or maybe even just a tiny magician.

I am shushed by wait-a-little-whiles, while my life is passing, passing, passing, and time is stealing all my dreams.

Something must be done. Laters.

Most Holy Day

Today I celebrate the ancient sacred ritual called "Mommy's Nap." I am sure that you remember your history and know that many Greek and Roman ruins contain specific references to "Mommy's Nap" as do ancient hieroglyphs written on many pyramids. As you know, those ancient Egyptians were dang fond of "Mommy's Nap."

In fact, the sacred text that first refers to "Mommy's Nap" is much like the Rosetta Stone, unlocking many of the mystical secrets of the Egyptian language especially those pertaining to wine, shopping at the market, and the weird symbol that looks like a bird.

I have chosen to partake in this sacred event since I meet the stringent criteria set forth in ancient text; having the day off, pouring rain, and being tired and slightly crabby.

The moon and stars have aligned themselves and Saturn has a ring around it so all is in order as it should be for the much beloved event. Laters.

Just A Squirrel Trying To Get A Cashew

I have a tin of mixed nuts that I am trying to snack on to replace all my junk food. My problem is that I have nut preference. I don't like peanuts so I buy the "premium" blend which is cashews, almonds, macadamia, and pecan.

My faves are cashews and macadamia. Almonds and pecans fall into last place.

Being egalitarian, I force myself to eat each nut in sequence and not pick out my favorites. This is very hard to do since I really don't want to eat the pecans at all, but I have developed a system where I just take one out like a bingo game caller and I have to eat what I get. This nut bingo is just another way of keeping order and rules in play in the universe. Plus, I am alternately happy and sad depending on my choice so the chance of picking a cashew gives me something to look forward to. I did try just eating my favorite ones, but then I had a tin of almonds and pecans and I had to eat all of those in one setting with no cashews to break it up. That was not a good afternoon at the office, so I broke down and bought some Twizzlers, and there went my diet; so you can plainly see the importance of bipartisan nut eating.

Just a note: there are always more almonds and pecans in the tin than cashews and macadamia. Laters.

All The News That’s Fit To Print

Too much information about David Carradine in the news. I doubt that anyone really cares about his weird sexual proclivities that much and I am sure that he never meant to have them paraded out in the media. It is all over my head since my weirdest sex devices are wearing ratty t-shirts to bed after eating a bowl of pickles. I do occasionally claim a headache as well just to keep things spicy.

Also, I never want anyone to ever mention the names Heidi or Spencer again in the same sentence. They used their 15 minutes long ago.

I also would like less airplane crashes, shootings, bombs exploding in crowded places, and less about those who abuse children.

Things I would like to see more of in the news are:

Stories about any of the following-

1. Fuzzy bunnies
   
2. Fuzzy kittens
   
3. Fuzzy ducks, etc.
   
4. State fair reports like biggest tomato, pig or watermelon
   
5. Listings of major shoe sales
   
6. Free coffee locations
   
7. Baby strollers rescued from rolling downhill
   
8. Random acts of kindness
   
9. Positive stories about human dignity
   
10. The police blotter- I love it!
    
11. Listing of patent applications
    
12. Occasional unflattering shots from Star magazine of celebrities
    
13. Excerpts from wonderful novels to make me want to buy the book
    
14. Beach conditions in Maui
    

That is my tiny, newspaper in a nutshell. Laters.

 

 

 

Tooth Fairy

I have a broken tooth. I realize even more now that I am so vain cause I am fervently glad that it is in the back, unnoticeable and not in the front. I did the laugh test with K to see if it was obvious when I laughed or smiled.

Me- "How about this, hahaha. Can you see it now?"

K- "no"

Me- "How about if I laugh like this? Hee Hee Hee. Can you see it now?"

K- "no"

Me- "How about if I laugh like haw hee haw haw hee. Can you see it now?"

K- "no"

I am relatively sure it can't be seen, but my tongue is constantly playing with the spot. I don't like being broken and not having everything where it should be. I am once again wishing that one of us had a job with dental.

I don't suppose I would feel all the angst if I hadn't just plunked down a huge chunk for a car repairs. I just hate it that life is that way sometimes. Taking and never giving. But I suppose that in reality life is always giving; maybe I just don't appreciate the gifts. Laters.

What A Surprise!

Rain again. Still have a backache. Tired of the cold. Have a good weekend. Laters.

I want some whine with my cheese

I started the day with a huge, crippling backache.



This was my a.m. train.




By the time I walked to work in the rain, my hair looked like this.




The first time I visited the restroom, I discovered that my underwear are on inside out. Yes, inside out and this is a picture of my super flat stomach........hahahahahaha


I think that I should just go home. Laters.

Today's Forecast

I often wish that I was a person who read the weather report before leaving the house. Like today, for instance, when I left home this morning it was a sunny day with blue skies and all, but then around 3 the rain started pouring down. Luckily, by the time I left to walk to the train station the rain had calmed to a light sprinkle and I didn't get too wet. The bad news was twofold, one, that I had no umbrella and two, I had chosen to wear a white skirt. Note: White skirts and water don't mix.
I was jealous of the lady that I passed who was wearing a smart, navy raincoat complete with a shiny, buckled belt. She carried a lime green umbrella and talked loudly on her cell phone. I was wet, she was not. I assume that she is a weather report reader? Laters.

I Be Up In The Gym….

I am back at the gym working on my fitness, which really just means I am trying not to have the largest butt on the beach. Two days of "healthful eating" has felt more like two months. I realized this morning that a person that I dislike by association is the check-in guy at gym. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice enough fellow. Actually, I am not sure that he is really awake when I go, but it is early, and he always gives me a quiet "good morning".

My beef with him is that he knows how often I exercise. When I am having a great streak and I make it in 3 or 4 times in a week, I look him right in the eye and say a hearty, "good morning" right back. If I am doing badly, I slink in without making eye contact and try to scan my card before he notices me. Right in front of him- he has my exercise history and he knows when I am lazy. I am sensing some of the same tendencies that Santa has, he knows when I am sleeping, he knows when I am bad or good….

When I return after a long hiatus, I feel a compulsive need to explain to him that I was on vacay and not really being a slacker. I am sure he doesn't give a care either way. Laters.

 

I Heart Twilight

Got my nails done on Saturday. My current place of choice is called "FingerNail" as in one, but if I ask nicely they will do the other nine as well. They ask me if I want the spa pedicure which is $50 or the regular which is $25. I always say, "Regular" and then they tell me, "Oh you legs so dry!" (Done in my best Vietnamese imitation) I use the same reverse psychology on them that I do my kids. I say, "Dry? Great! I love it. Regular please." Then they say all sorts of nasty things about me in Vietnamese, but since I don't have a clue what they are saying it's like water off a ducks back. I really like having a fresh new pedi. I admired my toes most of the day on Sunday and even spent some of my nap time just looking at my feet from all different angles. It hurts me to be so narcissistic, but somehow I deal.

I don't like to whine, but today has been a Monday, so I am glad to have this one under my belt and complete. Internally, all I wanted to do was come home, eat a bowl of cereal and go to bed. Instead, I put on my best mommy attitude, made homemade salsa and tacos and now I have some killer chocolate chip cookies in the oven. I am putting the kids to bed early though so I can have a little alone time, AKA watching "Twilight." Go ahead and laugh………. Laters.