I know that if you knew me then, you wouldn't recognize me now at all. And I am not referring to the color of my hair. Back then life was an ocean into which I had barely dipped my toes. I didn't know how far I was able to push myself or how far I could stretch before I snapped. I didn't know that nothing stings more than the betrayal of a friend or how shame isolates one to an island not of their own making, and is often more fatal than a death sentence. I didn't know many things good or bad, but now I do and I would like to think that I am now a better person for my knowledge, but I don't know if that is true.
I know that I am strong- stronger than I would have ever thought possible, but I wonder if strength is enough. I know now that judgments and first impressions are poor indicators of a person's true character. I know that blood is thicker than water and how it feels to be loved fiercely by the ones who gave you life. I know how it feels for hot tears to trail silently down my face as I scream without a sound in futile anguish. I know the angst of duty and the drudgery of practicality.
Scripture says that a friend is one who sticks to you closer than a brother. I thought this was weird growing up and I remember spending a lot of time trying to decide who could love you more than your family. But in my learning I have seen the immense value of the close friend, the "sticky" kind of friend and they are irreplaceable. And in my recent time of trial I find myself saying what did I do to deserve you guys? Why do you even like me? What redeems me to you?
In consideration, it all has a redemptive story that reminds me of Christ as many things do now. But nerves are raw and I'm fumbling so in a nutshell, I think that I will take both the blood and the water. The very essentials that keep me alive...and well.
