It was while scraping the peel off a cucumber that I experienced true pangs of housewifery. In a Virginia Woolf/Sylvia Plath kind of way, so you know it was very bad. I thought, “Is this it? Is this what my life amounts to? Scraping peelings into the sink while lecturing my kids about discarding Halloween candy wrappers in random places?” It happened again while I sat in the basement on the cold concrete in front of the dryer, sobbing quietly folding dishtowels. Everything I did seemed so pointless, like I was trapped in an endless Groundhog Day of the mundane.
Things have not been easy as of late and sometimes it’s like a cloud settles on me and I can’t find happy. I moved the sad party upstairs to the bath tub and cried a while in the steam too. I thought about many things- dreams that I have put to the side out of necessity, dreams that I have put to the side out of neglect, where I am and where I thought I would be, and how those two places don’t always match up. I cried over missed opportunities and would haves and should haves. I cried because I am still angry about being a bigger person than the person I am angry at, I cried because I had to be angry in the first place. I cried because sometimes people are idiots and it’s not my fault. I cried because cancer makes me feel out of control of my own body. I cried because I’m probably the most ungrateful person alive because I should be content that I have laundry to fold, and cucumbers to scrape and kids to lecture. I cried because life isn’t fair, but I always try to be and it just doesn’t work that way. I cried because sometimes, even having the whole world is not enough to make me happy.
Then K came into the bathroom and asked me if I was crying. I lied and said, “No, why would I be crying? I’m getting out now and coming to bed.”
Laters.
Refreshing honesty, J. Sure miss you guys!
ReplyDeleteDon't cry anymore. You are wonderful! You're intelligent,educated,kind,patient,caring,a hard worker,a beautiful singer,a great mother,a dear daughter,a loving sister,a faithful wife,a good friend,a good keeper of your home,a lover of God,a snazzy dresser,an awesome writer,a wonderful cook,a perpetual shoe addict,fair player,honest dealer,have great integrity,a truth teller, so beautiful to behold, you light up a room, you have great stage presence,you speak like an orator,smell heavenly,see the good in others, have a deep peace, a beautiful confidence, unfailing faith,strength,
ReplyDeleteendurance, ability to see it through. This is who you are! Tomorrow the sun will come out, the skys will be blue,God is in His heaven and I still love you.